Why I’m Promoting Narcissism

Okay, obviously nobody really likes a narcissist, and striving to become one sounds like a terrible idea. I’m not really trying to promote narcissism with my blog. In fact, typing the word “narcissism” is already starting to get on my nerves. The reason why I use that word is because I like to exaggerate and use extremes. And that’s part of my problem.

I have a history of being way too hard on myself. I’m talking about some pretty intense self-loathing here. This was a pattern that I spent a lifetime developing. Old habits die hard. Especially when I am under pressure, my initial reaction is always to direct my anger and frustration at myself. Having the pattern of self-hatred so firmly ingrained into my psyche means that I have to work extra hard to break that cycle. I can’t just decide one day that I’m actually pretty great and move forward from there. I have to replace my old habits with new ones, and since my old habits involve taking self-hatred to the extreme, I have to be proactive about loving myself.

So when I talk about narcissism, what I mean is going beyond simply not hating myself. I mean having some self-confidence and allowing myself to be proud of myself every now and then. I mean offering myself the same grace that I allow others in my life. Basically, I mean loving myself as I have loved my neighbor.

I’ve always been taught to love my neighbor as I love myself. I think sometimes that command often gets misconstrued as “Love your neighbor more than yourself.” In fact, I once heard a lady from my church misquote it exactly that way. So I used to think that I should set my own needs aside and focus on loving everyone else. I had it backwards. I thought by being a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good student, I would become a good person and that would make me more capable of loving myself. But what I have learned in recent years is that in order to love my neighbor fully, I have to first know how to love myself. It makes sense, really. Loving your neighbor as yourself isn’t such a great thing if you happen to hate yourself.

So I’m working on loving myself. That means ALL parts of me, even the messy parts. Especially the messy parts. It also means believing I am worthy of the love and respect I receive from others. It means finally embracing the knowledge that I, too, am made in the image of God--and that makes me pretty freaking awesome.